I’m not sure if this is universal, but in my experience, the techniques that worked for one kid rarely work for the next. The plans that were perfect last year are almost guaranteed to fail this year.
I use the “scaffolding” method to teach my kids (if you missed that post, you can find it here). But since my kids don’t struggle or learn in the same ways, I’m constantly revising my approach for each of them.
Every parent has at least one of these kids. I happen to have all of them.
The “I Don’t Need You” Kid
This child acts like they were born with all the knowledge. They don’t need help most of the time, so if they ask for it, you know something is terribly wrong. For this kid, support isn’t instruction; it’s presence. They just want me nearby while they work on subjects they’re less confident in. Honestly, if sitting next to them keeps them focused, that’s a win.
The “I Could Do It, But I Just Don’t Want To” Kid
Then there’s the kid who fully understands the math problems and knows how to write the papers. They just don’t want to push through the effort. The moment something isn’t easy, they say, “I’ll do it later.” It’s not inability; it’s resistance. With this kid, I have to constantly encourage them to sit for just one minute longer and push past that initial wall of reluctance.
The “I Won’t Ask for Help” Kid
This kid doesn’t ask questions. Ever. They will sit there, stuck, trying to figure it out for far longer than they should. They get so deep in their confusion that they lose track of the original problem. With this child, I have to constantly scan for signs they’re stuck and step in before they go down a rabbit hole of frustration.
The “I Can’t Do It” Kid
Finally, there’s the kid who immediately says, “I can’t do it”—even when they can, even when they’ve been successfully doing the task for weeks. This isn’t a skill issue; it’s a fixed mindset issue.
The Hidden Risk of Scaffolding
If you’re not careful, your kids will get used to you sitting right next to them. They can start to believe they can’t do it without you, not because they can’t, but because you stayed too long. This happens to me when I get used to hanging out with the “I Don’t Need You” kid and forget that I’m sitting with the “I Could Do It, But I Don’t Want To” kid.
I have to constantly evaluate if it’s time to remove parts of the scaffold, rebuild it (if they went independent too early), or take it away completely (because they aren’t trying). The goal is always independence. Everything you do for your kids, not just in homeschooling, should be aimed at preparing them for a life independent of you.
How I Prevent Dependency
I constantly remind my more independent kids that I’m not the first line of defense. If I don’t put up guardrails, they will come to me for everything. Our rules are simple:
- Try it first.
- If you get stuck, figure out what part you do know.
- Identify what you don’t know and do a little light research on that specific part.
- Attempt it again.
- Only when those steps fail should you come to me.
Most of the time, this process works.
Productive Struggle is Part of Learning
My kids, like most kids, want to take the easiest path, and the easiest path is “ask mom.” Sometimes, you have to remove yourself from the equation, just like you have to remind your spouse that he’s a grown adult who can find the mayo in the fridge with his own two eyes.
Before anyone says, “What’s the point of homeschooling if you aren’t going to teach the kids?” let me be clear: there is a natural end to instruction and a clear beginning to enabling laziness. A crucial part of learning is productive struggle.
My kids and I talk about this all the time. They’ll start with, “This is hard, I’m stupid, I’ll never figure it out.” I always respond with, “Of course it’s hard. You don’t know what you’re doing yet—that’s why you’re in school.” You are supposed to struggle to build your brain, just like you struggle to build any other muscle.
Homeschooling is mostly just pep talks. It’s reminding them they aren’t stupid for not knowing something, encouraging them that they’ll be okay if they fail, and reinforcing that new things are always difficult at first.
The balance is knowing that some kids need more push and some need more pull, and that “hard” doesn’t mean “impossible.”
Let’s Chat
I want to hear about your family. What type of kid are you teaching? Do you have a type that I haven’t identified? Let me know in the comments below
Gel Pen Learning 
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